After a First Date| Will He Call Me Again Or Should I Move On

June 16, 2010 by  
Filed under Will He Call Me?

Here is an email from a subscriber published with her permission and my response. She wanted to see if any guys reading this blog could also comment on this situation. And if anyone has a similar story to share, please do so in the comment section.

Dear Elaine,

I bought your book 101 Reasons Why Men Stop Calling and found it very insightful. I still have a question about my specific situation and I wanted to ask for your advice hoping that you could give me some clarity on this situation with this man.

I joined a dating site last Saturday. While I was browsing the site I found a few attractive men and I added them to my favorites. Apparently they noticed me and wrote to me.

One of these cute guys I checked as favorites also wrote to me and wanted to learn more about me as my profile was pretty basic (I did it in a rush and wanted to update it later). So, I told him I wasn’t much of a penpal and preferred in person but that I didn’t ask men out first. He immediately responded saying that he is the same way and inquiring when I was available to meet. He told me the sooner the better as far as he is concerned.

I didn’t have any plans for that night (that was Saturday night), so I told him how about tonight? and left my name and number. He called me literally within 15 minutes and asked me where I wanted to meet. I told him my address so that he could come and pick me up outside the gate of my complex. He was there within an hour. I could tell he was checking me out when I came out and was pleased with how I looked. We went to a lounge nearby and talked, had a few drinks. See told me he was seriously looking for a girlfriend and wanted to know what I was looking for. I told him it depended on who I meet and I couldn’t tell because you never know until you meet the right person. Then I told him about this place in a park on a peak overlooking the city. This is kind of a tourists’ spot, so there are always many people at night looking at the city lights, so totally safe. He was up for it and we ended up going there.

After making out and being all over each other for some time we decided to get a bottle of Champaign and went to a local convenience store which did not sell us alcohol because it was too late. We then tried to get to a bar, which was also closing so we had nowhere else to go.

At this point I was already pretty tipsy and I don’t remember if I asked him if he had any alcohol at home, but at any rate I asked him to take me home which he was going to until we passed by a nice five start hotel. At this point I said, 'you can take me home unless you want to go get a room over there' to which he said ‘sure’. I told him I wouldn’t have sex with him, but he said it was ok as long as he could hold me while we sleep. He kept telling me that he didn’t want to part ways, and didn’t want the night to end, basically suggesting that he liked me so much that he didn’t want me to leave.

We got a hotel room, fooled around for a bit (but no sex), and went to sleep.

If the morning he asked if I wanted to go have breakfast before he dropped me off and we ended up at another luxury hotel for brunch. Of course he paid for everything.

While we were there he said he wanted to go check out the pool, but I said they wouldn’t let us in because we did not stay at the hotel. He said he’d get a room if that was what it took to keep me hanging with him.

So, we got a hotel room. Neither of us had a swim suit so we went to a local store and he bought swim suits for both of us. By the way, he told me he didn’t get enough sleep the night before and wanted to take a nap in the room before going to the store, so I said, why don’t you go and take a nap while I go to the store.

He insisted that we go together, so he went with me and didn’t take a nap.

Again, he paid for his swim suit and for mine as well. We hang out by the pool, he ordered Champaign again, and we had a great time. I wasn’t looking for more alcohol but he insisted that we order another bottle. He told me he was into me, and wanted to see me again, and generally gave me all the positive signs. By the way, still we did not have sex, even though we slept undressed and cuddled. He tried to have sex but did not pressure me after I said no.

The next morning we woke up and I asked him if he had to go to work. He said yes, but he wanted to hang out for a little bit to wait for commuter traffic.

I told him I had to go though and he got up and we left. I asked him to stop by a convenience store which he did because I needed to buy something, and to my surprise he didn’t go in with me like he did before, which I didn’t mind but that was strange. I could somehow feel that something was different.

He dropped me off at my place, gave me a hug and just stood there holding me. I didn’t say anything, which I later felt that I should have said at least that I had a great time and thank him for the wonderful time. I later felt like a total unappreciative bitch.

He gave me a kiss but didn’t say that he wanted to see me again, and didn’t ask when I was free, or anything like that. Then he said ‘I guess I’ll talk to you later’ and I said ‘ok, drive safe’.

That was Monday morning. No call since then.

On Tuesday (today) I felt bad because I didn’t even say ‘thank you’ for everything he did, the great time I had and for all the money he spent. So, feeling bad I texted him a short thank you note just to express my gratitude. I didn’t hear back from him in a couple of hours, so I started browsing the Internet looking for answers and came across your website. I immediately bought your book on calling, and read it in one sitting. I also noticed your other book on texting, so I bought that one as well mainly because of the text message I sent to him, and your book mention that there was a canned text message I could send to a guy to find out if he is interested in me at all.

So, after I read your book on texting I realized that I messed up by sending him a text, but I think it shouldn’t be that bad because I simply expressed gratitude, but of course I didn’t meet the guidelines mentioned in your texting book, and sent it too premature.

Again, I still didn’t hear back from him at all. At the same time I logged onto the dating site and noticed that he’s been recently active. I feel very hurt and deceived because he told me he was only on that site for a short time and I was the first person he met.

I just don’t understand why he switched gears so rapidly and dropped off the face of the Earth when he clearly was interested in me enough to spend an arm and a leg to keep me around as long as he could.

I want to move on and just know what went wrong so that I know where I messed up. I would appreciate a simple note from him saying whatever it was that I messed up, but he is clearly not giving me any answer.

Do you have any thoughts on this?


Paula (name changed)

P.S. by the way, feel free to post this on your site, just change my name please. I wouldn’t mind hearing some feedback from guys if they visit your site also. I saw some comments in your blog posts from men, so if anyone wants to help me clarify this I would be grateful to them also.

Dear Paula,

Yes, he was interested. What he was interested was sex. It is obvious that he tried to get sex by asking you to stay longer. If he was interested in you beyond sex, he would call you to follow up regardless of the fact that sex did not take place.

After all you were physical except you didn’t have sex. This shows the guy is impatient and wanted an instant gratification.

Secondly, he told you he wanted to go to the pool, and as soon as he got a room he wanted to take a nap. This tells me he didn’t really want to go to the pool as much as he wanted to go to bed with you. I see where you are saying he justified it by not having slept much the night before. But frankly, if he was just so tired that he needed a nap, he would not have offered to stay out another night. Maybe he did want a nap… and perhaps he did want to go to the pool… BUT… what he wanted more was sleeping with you.

This is evident from him NOT going for a nap after you refused. This is evident from him going to the pool to drink Champaign after you refused to take a nap. This is evident from him trying to liquor you up at the pool.

To make it clearer to you, he took a shot the first night. It didn’t play out the way he wanted, so he tried another shot.

Next, blowing a bunch of money on you tells me he is trying to impress you hard, or perhaps even make you obligated to sleep with him. The sudden change in his behavior tells me he was not happy with the outcome. So, he went shopping with you the day before, but didn’t bother to come to the convenience store the morning after…. He is upset…. Now he is thinking you took advantage of him, and he didn’t get what he wanted.

I am not saying he is a bad guy. He is probably a good guy. But you have to admit your responsibility – you were leading him on. You suggested a hotel room. You did not object to getting a hotel room the following night. You were leading him to believe that if he stayed long enough, you would have ended up sleeping with him.

If you wanted to avoid the suspense of waiting for his call, you should have gone home. And you should not have suggested going to a hotel. I see what you are saying… you told him you would not have sex… trust me…. If a guy agrees to get a hotel room, this is because he believes that you will end up sleeping together…

It is clear that he was encouraging you to drink… He thought that would get you to drop your defenses…. Lastly, the hug good bye…. This is a GOOD guy hug good bye…. A jerk will hand you your stuff, pat you on your back and tell you it was nice knowing you….

A good guy will hold your hand, look you in the eyes, even walk you to your door, and perhaps even sit on the couch with you to make sure you are ok when he leaves… and then you never hear from him…

Why do men do this? Because the ‘parting ways’ time after a date is awkward for all parties involved…. He may as well think, ‘she is not going to see me again… she is just being nice… she had a good time but I don’t think I will be hearing from her again’….

By sending him a text message you killed the suspense, but clearly he has moved on….. He is either done with you (which is what most my male friends would do in the situation) or he is pissed off.

Will he call you again? Probably not. If you had not sent him that text, I’d suggest waiting for at least few days before making a conclusion…. But since he has not responded, nor acknowledged its receipt, I’d say he has made up his mind.

What could you have done differently? You could have had a drink when you started and gone home. Yes, he seemed interested in you at first, but you can never tell from a first date unless he follows up.

Lastly, the physical chemistry is important, but it only gets you this far. You have not had a chance to develop connection beyond physical chemistry, and since he got upset that you did not sleep with him, you will not have another shot with him unless something happens; he calls you out of boredom and wants to have a booty call.

Lastly, if you ever want to know how to go about establishing a deeper connection beyond the physical attraction, read This Page!

Story continues here - He Calls Two Weeks Later


6 Responses to “After a First Date| Will He Call Me Again Or Should I Move On”
  1. Linda says:

    i was in a similar situation. i met this guy at a club and we went to his place after. he wanted to have sex but i refused. he took me home in the morning, even took me to breakfast before he dropped me off. took my number, said he'd call and i never heard back ;-(

  2. Rebecca says:

    I met my boyfriend on a dating site. We decided to meet on a saturday to go on a little trip on our first date. it was so great that we ended up at his place at night. in the morning i woke up and he wanted to go away the next weekend, which we did. we were dating for three months now and we see each other almost every day after work. we spend every weekend together. I don't see anything wrong with sex on the first date. if chemistry is there you can't go wrong with it.

  3. deana says:

    if he cant get another piece of tail he'll call her. he'll get horny and he will

  4. Christina says:

    The young lady in the story made several mistakes:

    Mistake #1 She made plans with a guy she met on line, the very first time they spoke and it was a Saturday night. She looked like she had nothing going on in her life. She would have been better of talking to him briefly and making plans for Sunday afternoon to meet him for a quick bite.

    Mistake #2 She allowed the evening to go on way too long. First date, especially an internet date, should last no longer than 2 maybe 3 hours MAX, over dinner.

    Mistake #3 She drank way too much alcohol and impaired her judgement by agreeing to sleep at a hotel with someone she just met that day over the internet.

    Mistake #4 She prolonged the date into yet a 2nd day with a total stranger, she had just met over the internet, drank yet more alcohol and stayed in yet another hotel for a 2nd night, clearly appearing as if she had NO LIFE and nothing of value to return to, hence her availability to a total stranger for 2 consecutive days over a weekend.

    Ladies this is how women get murdered. She has no idea if this guy is married, where he really lives, she knows no one who knows him and yet she's sleeping in hotel rooms with him? Please. I was in excruciating pain reading this story.

    • Katrine says:

      Christina I so agree with your repsonse. The woman's behavior (whilst Im not judging her) is irresponsible and unwise

      She does not know this man and agreeing to sleep in the same room as him when she has just met him is a no-no. The 'date' went on for far too long and it does appear she offered herself straight away and made it seem like she has no life of her own. This will not enhance her image in a healhty guy's mind IMO

      I do beleive he is upset with her bcos he did not get what he wanted

      ladies, beware!

  5. Ita says:

    After a drink at a club, as I was on my way home, a guy behind me said hi and asked me if I would like to go have a drink with him as the night was still early. He was the guy I saw at the club, whose friend tried to flirt with me but was not successful.

    We went to a few bars and I spent that night at his place. Ever since that day, he was really into me. During the first 1 and a half year we had 1 short break up because I told him I am into a committed relationship and if he is not ready then I want to move on. When he was unsure, I left him. During those few months I went out with other men. Finally he realized that life with me makes his life complete and he proposed to me. Now we are happily married (+ a kid) for almost 9 years. Every day is a loving day!

    My conclusion is that when a man is ready for a relationship and commitment, he will definitely give 200% to the woman whom he finds has the potential to be his companion until death do us part :). Whatever we do on the firts date is up to us as long as we enjoy it. The lady doesn't have to impress him as he will go all the way to impress her. If a woman has to do all the pusuing, that is a really negative sign that he is not into her so much. He will pursue another while you pursue him. Move on and keep your mind open.

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