He Calls And Disappears – Should I Email Him?

Questions from a reader:

Hi Elaine,

I bought your book on How To Make a Man Fall In Love and also your book How To Find a Husband. I loved them both and already started using the strategies in the two books and they work! But I have a question about this one guy whom I met and have been dating.

I met John about two months ago. He was totally gaga over me. When we met I did what you said in your books and flirted like you said, and I can tell that he really likes me a lot. But the problem is, I didn’t find him particularly attractive physically; and yet having read all the advice that’s out there that tells you to choose a partner disregarding physical attraction and looking into his interpersonal qualities I went with it. We had several what he considered fun and great dates. I just wasn’t attracted to him, although it was fun and I acted fun.

I could tell he was totally into me. So much that I got scared and started to pull away. This whole time I kept my options open and met other men. Some of these men I met after I met John I was really attracted to, and I am still going out on dates with them as well. I must admit after reading your two books I have more options than I can handle

As far as John goes, I started avoiding him because I was afraid to hurt his feelings by telling him straight up that I don’t think it’s going to work out in the end. I would change or cancel plans, but I always answered the phone when he called. I wanted to see if we could be just friends first so I would have the opportunity to warm up to him a bit. But he was falling for me too fast to catch up with him. He’d give me that “in-love”, puppy look; I just knew I couldn’t continue this anymore.

I decided to dump him, but I couldn’t be completely honest with him about the real reason out of fear to hurt his feelings. I know, I should have said I didn’t feel it for him, but I was trying to be nice and to give him that “it’s not you, it’s me” lame excuse.

One weekend I was out on a date with someone I really like. John called me and sent me a text but I was on a date so I could not answer. The following day I called John back, but he didn’t answer the phone, so I just let it go.

He calls me a week later and says “I saw you called”. At that point my readiness to just tell him straight up that I do not want to see him had gone out of the window. I said I was merely returning his call.

So, he went on and on about how he feels that perhaps I am not ready for a relationship right now, or that there is something going on in my life that he doesn’t know about, or that perhaps I need space, and that he knows I have too much going on right now in my life with the kids, work, etc. and that if I need time he understands. He told me he really likes me but he feels that something is wrong and he wanted me to tell him.

At this point I felt pressured. I hoped that this difficult conversation would just stop. I said, “you know I have too much on my plate right now”. He tried to offer some options. He asked if I needed help with anything. He wanted to see if I would perhaps see him during the week after work instead of a weekend, that he would accommodate my schedule, etc.

He begged me for a date on Friday. I was busy (going on a date with someone I actually am attracted to). He asked me if I could see him Saturday, but Saturday I had another date with another guy I like. He asked if he could see me Sunday. I said, “maybe. Call me”.

Today I noticed that I missed his call. I called him back but he didn’t answer. I was in the mood to tell him that we need to stop seeing each other. An hour later I texted him. He didn’t text me back. But later this evening he called and asked me out. I said I was tired and it’s 4th of July, so everything would be closed early. I was torn. I wanted to tell him, look I like you as a friend, but I can’t offer you more than this at this time. I couldn’t say that. It’s hard.

Elaine, I wonder if I should just send him an e-mail to avoid the conversation altogether, so I can just let him know that I don’t feel it for him. Or should I wait for him to call me again? I don’t want to keep him hanging. He is a great guy, and I know he is confused now.

What do you advise that I do?

Thanks in advance!

Dear Confused,

Yes, you can send him a Dear John letter. I personally think that if you can, it is always better to bring up the break up conversation in person, or at least on the phone. I think that after dating for two months, as involved as you were, it is polite and simply good manners to let him know verbally rather than sending an e-mail.

That’s my opinion. If you can’t talk about it on the phone or in person; if you don’t feel comfortable – send him an email. At least it’s better than nothing at all. It is not fair to keep him hanging. He will appreciate your candor; trust me. Good luck!