Why Did He Stop Calling After Sex - The Male Perspective

July 5, 2010 by Elaine Demodel  
Filed under Why Men Don't Call

Why did he stop calling after sex? I get asked this question over and over, and I have already addressed it in my book Why Men Stop Calling, but since it seems that this is the most heated question - why men stop calling after sex, I want to answer it again right here in this post.

I am going to give you male perspective on this. The truth is – who would be that idiot male to dump a woman because she put out?

Here is the truth about men which if you are like most women you have no clue about: men dream about that day when he gets a woman, takes her out on a date, and gets to have sex with her! And if she puts out sooner, it is even better!

It is super tough for a man to get a woman’s number. Men get rejected right and left. Women refuse to give them their numbers. Women give them fake numbers. Women do not answer the phone when men call. Women do not return their phone calls majority of time. There are actually books written for men on how to get a woman’s real phone number and make her return your phone call which cost starting at $100 and up!

When a guy is lucky he gets a woman out on a date once in a blue moon. That’s a blessing in the sky. What a lucky day!

Here is what happens next: He takes her out and he has to pay for everything no matter if he is attracted to her or not; he still is expected to pay. He has to entertain her and make sure she likes him, and that she will go on a second date. 6 months of dry spell and $5,000 in restaurant expenses later he finally gets one who actually is open to his advances. He takes her out – once, twice, three times, ten times etc. and she – manna is falling from heaven – finally agrees to have sex with him!

Why would he trade a sure-fire lay for another 6 months of dry spell plus $5,000 in restaurant bills and movie tickets? NO WAY! He wants to make sure he will see her again!

So, why would he not call? I’ve asked my guy friends. Here are the answers:

- She was mean to him or is just plain mean bitch in general

- The sex was no good (in which case it’s best to find out sooner rather than later and avoid multiple dates leading to bad sex)

- He knew up-front that he wasn’t attracted to her but he had sex just because she offered

- Bad smell

That’s it!

See, men are easy to understand. It’s just that we, the females are conditioned to over-analyze too much. If sex was good – he is guaranteed to call you! If he is attracted to you – he will want to see you again (not just for a hook up, but companionship, activities, etc.)

If he isn’t attracted to you – he will only call you for a hook up but will not take you out, have you meet his friends and family, etc. This is how you know if he is just killing time with you or wants more than just sex.

Physical attraction is important, but there has to be a mental and emotional connection and friendship for him to want to see you as a relationship potential and not just a hook up.

If you want to make sure he falls head over heels in love with you, and if I am right about you, you do want that – regardless of your age, your looks or anything else, read How To Make Him Fall In Love!

And if you are still not clear on why he stopped calling you, Get The Book == > Here

A strong argument which I do tend to agree with is that a guy who is really interested will wait for sex. True? Yes, absolutely! However, that same guy who is really interested will not dump you if you have sex too soon either. Has this ever occurred to you?

What kind of a guy will dump a woman after sex? The one who was not interested in her in the first place and was only after sex. But that same guy would dump a woman anyway if she waited for two or three months before having sex. If he is really interested, he will not dump you regardless - sex or no sex. If he is not really that interested he will dump you either way – with or without sex.

Lastly, I polled multiple guys and asked – how long will you wait to have sex before you give up? They’ve all said – it doesn’t matter; if she is the right woman and is only putting it off because of her own insecurities, they will respect that and wait as long as needed for her to be convinced that he is in for more than just sex.

I asked, what would be the reason you stop seeing a woman before you have sex with her?

The answers were:

- No passion/not affectionate – she didn’t seem interested in him sexually – no hand holding, passionate kissing, cuddling, and other signs that indicate to a guy she is into him

- Did not like her personality after he got to know her better

- She wasn’t easy going and always created obstacles in dating her by not answering his calls, setting rules as to how many days in advance he has to call her to ask her out, and did not seem particularly encouraging

How many relationships started with sex on a first date? Many. If two people are into each other it doesn’t matter how long to wait for sex – it will not change the outcome.

I once saw an interview in which the women being interviewed admitted that yes some relationships have started with sex on first date. Those women strongly argued that those times were exceptions rather than rules. On a flip side, ask yourself, how many dates have I done on that did not result in sex, and which DID NOT end in relationships? You will see that going on a date and NOT having sex does not guarantee a relationship either.

If you go out on 100 dates, perhaps one will result in a relationship and marriage. By the same token, if someone were to hypothetically go on 100 dates and have sex at the end of each one, how many would result in a relationship leading to marriage? One? See, the statistics are unknown because I am sure no one sleeps with a hundred guys. But the outcome is still the same.

Also, thanks to a commenter on this page, who is a living proof that sex on a first date can lead to a strong, lasting marriage.

A man who is so superficial as to judge a woman for truly being herself, for enjoying herself, and for not playing mind games is not someone you want in your life anyway – trust me. If he is such a judgmental, double-standard and superficial individual as to change his mind about a woman who was in the same bed with him, than be thankful that you found out sooner rather than later and did not invest time in an individual whose judgment of character is influenced by an artificial set of rules and who gives respect contingent of whether a woman plays head games or is being an authentic individual.

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Comments

16 Responses to “Why Did He Stop Calling After Sex - The Male Perspective”
  1. Arlene says:

    Great article! It makes sense. If he likes you he won't like you less if you sleep with him too soon. If he doesn't like you, he is not going to like you more or fall in love with you because you don't sleep with him. And what is too soon anyway? I know a girl who says she will wait for eight dates before she sleeps with a guy, and more often than not she gets dumped before the eighth date!

  2. Women can make a judgement call about men after having sex. I met a great looking guy who was highly educated, well dressed and lots of fun. We recognized our chemistry right away. He pressed me for sex on subsequent dates and I declined and said that I wanted to wait. He then invited me to join him for a romantic weekend in NYC at a great hotel. Well I could not resist that.

    However, this trip turned up a problem, this wonderful man who is 19 years my junior was having major problems in the sack! It took a few dates to figure it out. This man is a heavy drinker, he has to have a drink. I have dated alcoholics before and decided that this was a deal breaker. When I got home from our last sleep over I sent him an email telling him that I could not date a man who was committe deeply to alcohol because it affected our relationship. I was very gentle and kind in my words but very firm on my perspective. I also sent him a medical report on how alcohol affects a man's sexual performance. I have not heard from him. I am hoping he realizes that the booze is castrating him. Putting him behind me has not been easy....but I will not have a sexually dysfunctional relationship. So we women have our say about men and sex too.

    So men can say that woman stopped going out witht them after they had sex. The sex was not the real reason things stopped but it is sex that makes all of us feel very vulnerable.

    • Sharon says:

      Valley Forge,
      I like your message. You did what you could to help the drinker understand his problem. Unfortunately, alcoholics are not easily convinced they are alcoholics and need help.

      Maybe the high school stigma was just that, a high school way of thinking that does not apply in real, mature relationships. It makes sense.

  3. juanita says:

    Hi! I was reading all these articles about one questions extrapolated in different themes yet all about the same topic: why did he stopped calling? The answer is simple: he is just not that into you. If a guy likes he calls.
    Greetings!

  4. Soniya says:

    Hi all,

    My first Language is not English, so forgive my errors in my writings here.

    Well, I have been in the same situation. We had sex on the first date, and it continued for several months and then it turned to some on and off dates for over a year. I am an educated, beautiful, healthy, and wealthy woman, so it just was a great challenge for me to find out why I was being dumped and treated that way? So, I started studying and educating myself about dating life. The more I studied, the more I came into conclusion that having sex on the first date or too soon is a very WRONG move in "most" cases. Why? Well, for many reasons. One is that the all imaginations and fantasizing which is part of getting ready for enjoying lovemaking would be eliminated in this process. look at romantic movies, most of those lovers in the film have sex at the end. this may then results in less and temporary joys! another thing is that, being easy is always make us to be taken for granted too soon also. this is not because our partner is not mature enough, it is because "HUMAN NATURE" is that way. We all are that way, maybe that's why many gamblers and lottery winner loose their money too soon after they win. and the other reason is that, sometimes having a great sex in the first place make us fall in lost instead of in love which may blind and unable us to evaluate the emotional and spiritual compatibilities with our partner. in our society only bad women whose job is sex sleeps with anyone right after they met, so getting into bed to soon may actually trace a bad mark even in both partners minds. it may take the trust away also, because they both can think how many other people they have slept with? and also they may be worried about future and being able to control our emotions towards others when it comes to sex. yeah, i guess there are more reasons for not having sex on the first date or too soon than to have sex on the first date. life is all about risk, but at least we can reduce some chances of risking our good chances.

    good luck to everyone

    • admin says:

      Hi Soniya,

      I partially agree with your comment and here is why:

      Sex too soon often undermines a woman’s confidence. The side effect of having sex too soon is developing insecurities due to the fact that she had sex soon. She now begins to doubt his feelings toward her.

      Women, unlike men associate sex with something meaningful. Unlike men, most women cannot detach the mere fact of sleeping with a man from feeling "in relationship". Thus they develop insecurities, and also they give out their wild cards, which a woman has many, not just sex.

      Most women do not realize that they have a lot of leverage when it comes to developing a meaningful relationship. They give out all of themselves based on the fact that they sleep with a guy. They perceive sex as their most treasured asset, which it is not. Trust me, sex is a dime a dozen; quality relationships are a true gift. A woman who knows a way to a man’s heart will not be left simply because she had sex too soon.

      In this day and age when sex is pretty much a requirement to having any sort of romantic relationship, women are still old-fashioned when it comes to understanding the meaning of sex. What they don’t realize is that sex with a man does not require giving up all other benefits a man receives when he enters a committed relationship with a woman. They somehow start giving more than they received because sex has an effect of making a woman prematurely think that she is now in a relationship. If only women were not conditioned that they need to start giving up all of the benefits reserved only for a committed relationship as soon as they sleep with a guy, they would be able to keep their leverage with men.

      I cover this phenomenon is great detail in my book Commitment Phobic to Husband

  5. Christina says:

    There are guys out there who don't push for sex too soon and it means as much to them as it does to most women. My Ex was that kind of man. In fact, after 2 months of dating him, talking 2 to 3 times per day on the phone, seeing him face 2 face several times per week and being "exclusive" my ex was nervous about going all the way with me. He wanted to make sure that I was as committed to him as he was to me and that we were a "couple". It was very odd for me to be the one having to assure HIM that I was serious- minded about him and that this was not a fling for me.

    • admin says:

      You bet! There are guys like that too. There are also guys who doubt themselves after sex just like some women do. Not everyone is the same; some women are more agressive; there are women who don't want relationships beyond the physical; there are also guys who want the emotional connection more so than they want the physical.

      Elaine

  6. Trueman says:

    I agree with your view to an extent. You're right, men are simple creatures. Many times, sex is the culmination of the hunt. A man will continue to pursue a woman to a point because she hasn't had sex with him. While a woman may think that the sex will mark the beginning to the "relationship", a man may think it's the end because he's caught his "prey".

  7. val says:

    After my divorce I contacted a very good friend from growing up, just to talk and see what was going on in his life. I knew that there had been an attaction back then...so I thought...why not see what happens. Well, as soon as he found out I was single, he was wanting us to get together. I told him that I really looked different from when we were younger and he told me none of that matter. He had seen my pictures and thought I was beautiful. We decided that I would go visit him, since I had the need to get out of the town I was in. So we planned for me to visit the upcoming weekend. We were both stoked! Well, when I got there, before I could get out of the car, he was kissing me. I was like WOW!! He showed me around the area where he lived and then we went up to his place. When we got there, I swear not 20 minutes went by and we were in the shower, making out, and then in bed...This went on several times thru out the evening. I will say I was alittle intimidated by him, he was way more experienced than myself...I knew that there were a few things that I needed to take care of personally, since I had been married for almost 20 yrs and with the same person for 23, I had no idea it was so important to be groomed...not just groomed buy BARE...or almost anyway...
    But, that didn't seem to bother him...we still had sex, and I thought everything was great. We only left the apt to get some food once or twice...otherwise, we were having sex...He even made sure to sleep with me right before I left...We are talking bags packed, walking out the door, and then next thing you know we are kissing and my clothes are off...We had made plans to work on getting together again... so I figured...great, he talked about taking me traveling etc. since I had never been anywhere...
    anyway, when I get home, I find out my kids have been trying to "friend him" on Facebook. So, he kinda freaked out about why they would want to friend him...then when my daughter would stop bothering him...he started telling me that the sex wasn't good, that I had "hygiene" and weight issues and things like that. Total opposite of the conversations we had had before(he told me those were things that he was ok with or that would be taken care of)...and, other than the grooming thing...I am a very clean person...so I'm like wth is going on...in one email, he said this situation with my daughter had set us back a month, and in the last email I got he said not to write him he would write me...I am dying here...we have been friends since we were 11 yrs old...now, I feel like everything is ruined. What is going on?? I had thought maybe he was having feelings for me...I'm telling you it was an amazing weekend...could he just be scared.

    • admin says:

      Hi Val,

      Sorry to say, he is not attracted to you; this is basically what he is telling you. Why did he take sex? Because you gave it. Yes, it was amazing... from YOUR perspective. He is NOT scared; Please, don't fool yourself!

      Elaine

      • Here is an example of how women can take advantage of men just like they do of us when sex is involved.

        A man, who you are not crazy about, calls and asks you out to dinner at a place you have been dying to check out. Money is tight so that you and the girls do not go there to catch up. You accept the dinner date not because you are interested in the guy but you like the activity he is offering.

        The same goes for sex with guys. The guy will accept the offer of sex because he wants it... period. It has nothing to do with you. It also means that having sex will not make him want you more.

        You will have dinner with a guy to have a nice meal in a great place. A guy will have sex to feel good but that good feeling is not necessarily extended to the one offering it.

        All of this has shown me that I cannot date some one because I am bored and that I cannot have sex with someone unless there is mutual love. If this means I am going to be a "new Virgin" for awhile...so what. It is about being treated with integrity and that starts with me.

        • admin says:

          I do wholeheartedly agree. Women DO this ALL THE TIME! Men complaint about women taking advantage of them ALL THE TIME!

          Men spend a lot of money on women who have no interested in them; only in what they are getting from them - gifts, food, tickets to movies and events, etc.

    • Honey......I know the situation you were in ...I have been there. This is a guy who has major issues with any kind of realtionship involving a commitment. He is very self absorbed an it is truly all about him. He is a classic narcisist. Google the word...and keep on reading. You will find him in every sentence.

      The problem with these guys is that they keep turning up. They can't sustain a realationship for very long so they keep in touch especially when they get dumped. Intense sex is about all they have to offer. After awhile even that gets boring due the lack of emotional involvement.

      You are vulnerable and accepted an opening that was not beyound the moment. This happens to every women he snares. There is no perfect woman for him.

      I have been single for 9 years after my second divorce. The most important word you can have is.....NEXT! Thank God that you can say this and move on. Saying NEXT is better than obsessing over someone who is utterly impossible.

  8. clara says:

    he used to call me many times daily,text me all the time.he was all over me,we enjoyed the moments.sex etc.on one of our dates,after hot love making,he told me,he loves me,i told him same.then suddenly he stopped calling,text .started avoiding me.avoids meeting me alone.he wants me to share drink with him,he invites a third party.we work in the same office.we see daily.he suddenly become so official.i confronted him many times on his change of atitude towards me,he just apologized,promising to change but still nothing.But each time i call him,he talks and talk,shares experiences with me.still he never calls again.i have stopped calling for more than a month now thinking he will call but nothing.PLEASE WHAT DO I DO.i need him back.i have tried many times.invited him over to my house,but he will always come up with excuses at the last minute.he is avoiding me seriously.

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